Remember those enticing print advertisements from stock brokerages (today called financial advisory firms) and mutual funds (still called mutual funds) in the mid-2000s, when the market was recovering from the dot-com bust and the world seemed better?
In case you haven’t noticed, the ads are back.
Who woulda thunk they’d return so soon in the Great Recession’s early wake? And why on earth do the advertisers think their words of wisdom and comfort will entice new customers? Hey, the world isn’t quite better yet, anyway.
Last weekend, as I caught up on some old-fashioned newspaper reading, I couldn’t help notice some of those ads. Don’t laugh too hard, but without mentioning any names, see if you get comfort from, or believe the words in any of these beauts:
- “…we employ a thoroughness that inserts discipline into a potentially emotional situation.” Discipline is a great idea.
- “…everything we do is unflinchingly client focused.” Unflinchingly? Is that even a word?
- “…it’s time a financial advisor took into account your complete financial situation.” I’ll say it’s time!
- “…getting you to your dreams requires a more personal approach.” Whatever happened to sleeping pills?
- “…building a relationship makes the difference.” What a notion!
- “…we offer vision.” Ophthalmologists R Us.
- “…we offer our mutual funds at cost.” What cost is that?
- “…it’s no secret that accumulating wealth today is more difficult than ever.” And I thought that was a secret!
- “…the ultimate goal of new money is to become old money.” Better than lost money.
- “…the trick is to learn from the past without getting stuck in it.” Sounds like an oil spill in the Gulf.
- “…when you pay less, you can keep more.” And tell me, what does this have to do with investment returns?
- “…past performance cannot guarantee future results.” Let’s hope not!
- “…everything shapes the future of your investments.” Everything?
- “…the truth is that the financial world has fundamentally changed.” Good this firm is telling the truth.
- “…in these changing economic times, some things never change.” Amen.
— Roger Pondel, email@example.com